Before I started recovery, I only had two feelings: either I was ok or something bothered me. Throughout my childhood, I had learned to stuff my feelings down as much as possible. Unfortunately, that usually backfires and one day I just totally lost it. That led to me seeking help for the first time. With that therapist, I learned that I did have other feelings. However, once I started feeling my feelings, I often wished I could go back to the old way of not feeling. These feelings were so hard to deal with. After a long while, I became more used to feeling things (although some of them are still hard) and finally came to accept them as being a normal and ok part of me. Even the negative feelings were ok so long as I kept them from turning into suicidal depression or rage. In June 2004, I wrote this poem about my feelings.
Must I See Who I Am?
Little did I know me.
Black notions,
Red flashes of anger
Turning my feelings blue
With shame.
Green with envy
I thought myself dull, lifeless, and gray.
A mixture of color
All muddied and confused,
I arrived in the light
And began to see
Each piece of me...
Distinct
Separate
Colorful
Beautiful
A rainbow of feelings
Each true and real.
Accepting them,
Dissecting them,
Seeing who I am.
The dark.
The light.
Now I know me.
A kaleidoscope of color
Interesting
Intriguing
Ever changing.
1 comment:
Beautiful post. Beautiful poem. I remember a time, before therapy started, when I could recognize only two emotions: happy and sad. Everything else churned my stomach because I didn't recognize what they were. No stomach problems now.
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